Thank you all for coming to the town hall meeting today. I’m impressed we fit so many people into this Starbucks.

So… Where to begin?…Okay, we’re aware we haven’t discussed this yet officially with you, the public–the attractive public, hello to you Ms. Amanda–but we wanted to let you know that we’re aware of the rumblings. The murmurs. The whispering. You’re all very loud whisperers, which honestly defeats the purpose of whispering. You’re basically talking.

So anyway, as a proud member of the public relations team on the tourism board here in Dracula, Illinois, as well as a proud citizen of the very same town, let’s just have a sit down conversation about this issue. Person to people. Yes, you can stand. I don’t want to talk down to you with press releases or banner ads, or those inflatable noodle-guys–Thank you, Arlene. Yes, they are creepy.

We want to put your fears to rest. We want to ensure you that there are no draculas in Dracula, Illinois.

None. We are…about 100% sure of this. No draculas.

Yes, Mr. Swinton, yes, it is still daylight. Even if it was night–Look, night falling doesn’t equal a draculas in Dracula, Illinois.

Dispel the rumors. Be a proactive member of this society and encourage visitors to flock here. Our economy depends on it. We’re working on a new jingle and we have one of those Twitters. I’d hate for it to go to waste.

What’s that? Yes, in the back. “Qvestion?” I’m sorry, I don’t quite understand because of the accent. Oh, “Question.” I follow. Go ahead.

For those of you in the front he asked, “How many maidens are left unguarded during the night hours?”

Well, sir, we do currently enforce a city-wide curfew for those under 18 after 9 PM, so probably not many, but the curfew is not gender specific…Are there any more questions?

No? Well, I hope this little talk puts all these fears to rest. Before you all head out though…just a a quick thing. This is Jeremy our intern. Jeremy, go ahead and pass out those pennants to everyone. This is a little fun thing we thought of the other day in the break room. Just a little favor for you all to take home. You can wave that “No Draculas” flag at home or on the street, you know, wherever. Church, yes, you could wave it at church. NO DRACULAS! NO DRACULAS! See? It’s kinda fun!

Wait, Jeremy–Hold on everyone, stop passing these out. There’s a typo. Jeremy, these just say “Draculas!” Where’s the “No” on this flag?

It wouldn’t fit? It’s just two letters, how could it not fit?! Sorry, Jeremy, I didn’t mean to raise my voice.

Everyone, if you could please refrain from waving these pennants. We don’t want you promoting Draculas.

Why? Correct. Because there are No Draculas in Dracula, Illinois.

Please stop waving that flag, Jeremy.