Dear Empty Ears of The Internet.

Here are ways to pooch a sister’s MBA Graduation or a father’s 62nd birthday celebration:

1. Stage a taco toss
2. Resurrect the archives of Howdy Doody’s classic racial humor bloopers
3. Start speaking only in phrases quoted in Chumbawumba songs
4. Screen your movie mash-up combining “Real Genius” and “The Diary of Anne Frank”
5. Be Michelle Obama
6. Convince the neighboring table to join your Fart Party, USA, brah
7. Usurp the neighboring table and claim it for Fart Party, USA
8. Get engaged

Now someone please find me a blog to be paid to write for as I figure out how to plan a wedding.  Seriously, I saw “Julie and Julia” so I know that writing about yourself is lucrative and fame-inducing.

All pooching aside, I’m very happy about this husband of the future.