Watched some men’s wrestling on ESPN while at the gym.

It was either that or “Half Baked.”  Wrestling won.  It’s surprisingly easy to watch and it drowns out the sound of your knees screaming, “Fuck you!”  It’s also pretty easy to feel like you’re getting away with watching pornography while running on the treadmill.

Dudes in spandex writhing on the ground. Cute Iowan farm boys with butts and thighs that were sculpted from will power and a need to prove something to his parents.

“Look at me, Dad,” he says with fire in his eyes. “I am strong.  I am worth something.  I am more important to you than your dairy cows.”

Dad takes a vacant swig from his Coors and stares at his muscular child, now nearly a man, seeking his approval.

“Bessy is strong, too.  Bessy brings in more money than you do, son.  Bessy don’t waste time rollin’ around on no mat with another faggoty-ass cow, now does she, boy?  Now get a job or get a wife, but get out from under my roof.”

Then the boy screams something like, oh, I don’t know, “I DON’T WANT YOUR LIFE!” and pins his dad in a choke hold.  His father gasps for air and taps the floor for mercy as the boy’s angry tears stream down his cheeks.  He releases his father’s neck just in time, and they both sit on the floor breathing heavily until the silence overwhelms them both.  Then Hollywoods gives me moneys and I win.

(Actually, the kids who were wrestling instantly bounded up into the crowd to tackle their parents with hugs after a victory with such energy, it just made you want to have a litter of wrestling babies.)

Back to the fact that I was watching hot dudes touch each other.  I kept looking around to see if anyone else was seeing this hot spectacle on the flat screen, but everyone there was mesmerized by March Madness activities.  I wanted to scream, “Kiss! Kiss!” hoping my pleas would spark the men’s lips to touch.  I wanted to clink glasses and see some man on man action.  Show me my homoerotic pornography on ESPN while I’m running at the gym, goddammit!  Make the outrageously expensive monthly dues fucking worth it!  America wants its gay porn!

I eventually changed the channel.  It was all hot and sexy until the winner was interviewed about what was going through his mind.

“I was just asking God to give me the strength to win…”

Snore…  Jesus really kills your gay porn boner, I tell you what.