dickish insprational quotes

upcoming shows

I’ve got two shows coming up. (And a third in May if you want to pencil that in too.)

Art by Tom McHenry: www.noncanon.com

The Nice to Meet You Show  |  Opens March 1st  |  IO Theater  | TICKETS

“A friendly sketch show lovingly crafted for your hearts and minds by comedians with the purest of intentions and darkest of souls.”

Buzz22 Chicago  |  Opens March 13 at the Greenhouse Theater  | TICKETS  |  By Laura Jacqmin  |  Directed by Sara Sawicki

“Chicago culture skitches off of Greek, African, and Chinese mythology, sparking a spirited mash-up of underworld and after-life as seen from the seats of fixies, BMX’s and ten-speeds.


I’ve been busy in the craft world. Holing myself up in my apartment as the snow gently falls to the ground keeping Chicago hostage for the 40th straight day.

The goal is to set up an Etsy page in the next month or two so I can forgive the utter disarray of my coffee table.

winter. still.

The snowman on my street mirrors how I feel.

My 15th Chicago Winter

I have a roof.
I have a job.
I have insurance.
I have enough money.
I have a living loving family.
I have a loving spouse.
I have a desire to help.
I have a desire to create.
I have a dog.
I have a cat.
I have a bike.
I have a guitar.
I have gloves.
I have a coat.
I have boots.

WBEZ Year In Review – February 2013

Are you ready for some football? Were you ready for some SUPER BOWLS football? You know: “Ready.” Drinking brews at a vaguely-Irish sports bar, walls dripping with 70 inch HDTV ADHD screens. You know, READY. Like, you have friends over and you’re all on your cellphones Instagramming the 20-layer taco dip you saw on Buzzfeed.

You’re ready to settle in, find the perfect seat on the couch to photograph the TV screen, you have your computer out in case some sort of fantasy thing happens, you are following along with a hashtag, virtually cheering in your Facebook feed, and ignoring texts from your brother because you paused the DVR while you were in the can. No spoilers.

It’s the SUPER BOWL, you guys. Baltimore Ravens vs. the San Francisco 49ers. Tough choices to make: Beyonce or the Puppy Bowl. And we’re watching it together. We’re super-watching the super bowl. We’re watching it from every angle imaginable.

So many historical things took place.

  • The Ravens beat the 49ers, 34-31. That’s like, really close.
  • Both were undefeated teams, like, forever undefeated. And losing this game would be the first loss in the history of footballs.
  • For the first time, the two head coaches were brothers: Jim and John Harbaugh. Brothers pitted against each other. Which probably totally sucked.
  • Beyonce commanded the spirits of Destiny’s Child to RISE AGAIN during the half-time show. There was so much glitter. It was awesome.

So we thought we were ready for some football, and we were to an extent, but weren’t ready for what was going to happen in the third quarter. Baltimore was already up 28-6 and after Beyonce rode off into the sunset on her hovercraft, we were lulled back into our pizza comas and struggled to care about anything other than that adorable, pint-sized Darth Vader Volkswagen commercial.

We weren’t ready for a blackout. A system failure in the stadium’s electrical system. With one giant sigh, the Superdome’s power slumped dimly to half mast; the field now illuminated only by the tens of thousands of smart phones taking pictures of a blackout.

So we waited. Announcers hemmed and hawed. First two minutes. Then five…Then ten…Then 20, then 30–it lasted a total of 34 minutes. That makes running around and throwing a ball really hard. Like, they didn’t even try.

So what did we do? As spectators with nothing to watch, we headed to the internet. Well, we were kind of already there, we just opened up a new tab.

What were the players going to do?  You can’t play football in the dark. Nobody was ready for THIS.

But you know who was ready? From the moment the game started, who was poised and ready to pounce on such an opportunity–the opportunity to comment on what we were all experiencing? MOTHER FUCKING OREO COOKIES was ready.

After brands across the world spent millions of dollars for 30 seconds of Super Bowl commercial fame, Oreo–with one Twitter fart to the wind–went viral. Retweeted over 15 thousand times. You know what you can do in the dark? You can still dunk an Oreo cookie.

And we as a nation all watching the same Facebook rants, the same hashtag trollin’, we all saw it spread across the internet like wild fire.

We were shocked. We were all living this moment together and a cookie told us how to feel about what we were going through. THE COOKIE WAS WATCHING THE SUPER BOWL. Sure, we thought we had opinions on the matter, but obviously we were wrong.


The marketing world lost their collective minds. The word “culture jacked” was tossed out. You know, culture jacking. The act of stealing a well-known cultural reference and spinning it to cater to a brand’s message.

But Oreo. It is one smart cookie. Their secrets hit the wire nearly instantly and it was revealed that the digital marketing agency 360i held a 15-person social media team hostage on game day. Blackout happened, America was distracted, everyone was waiting for something to happen, and the quickly designed image hit the Twitters and the Facebooks. And we all saw it. And we reacted just as they wanted us to.
Oreo. Oreo was ready for some football.

WBEZ Year In Review

Who doesn’t have Tuesdays free and like public radio and storytelling? I’ll be up with all these talented folks January 21st at Park West. I got the month of February. Buy your tickets now!

dong the sloth

This is Dong the Sloth.

Dong got his name because before he had legs…

And before he had a face…

He looked like an adorable flaccid dong.

The end!

things to leave behind in 2013

  1. Pumping up any kind of jam
  2. Ironic mittens
  3. Stunting a relative’s growth
  4. Sharing a Facebook page with your significant other
  5. Using your Etsy page to show off bearded men
  6. Blaming beer goggles when you just want to bang uggos
  7. Poppin’ a squat
  8. Saying you hate the word “moist”
  9. Having a baby just to get more blankets around the house
  10. Calling oral sex a taco party
  11. Slappin’ da bass
  12. Using Lorde’s name in Vanity Fair
  13. Calling “Game of Thrones” “Game of Bonin”
  14. Doing yoga like it’s your job, yoga instructors.
  15. Not cleaning when you’re leaning.

Groupon’s New Delivery System

Consider this my acting audition for the Onion News Network.